Man wants to marry his MacBook to make (idiotic) point


If you love your MacBook so much, why don’t you marry it?

The real answer to the above, typically hypothetical question is, “Because it wouldn’t be legal, and that’s stupid.” And if you understand that, you’re one step ahead of Chris Sevier, a guy who has just filed a civil suit in Houston demanding his right to be bound in holy matrimony with his laptop. And why would anyone want to do that, other than the obvious tax benefits and status as Ultimate Apple Fanboy?

Sevier’s taking his case across the country in protest of same-sex marriage.

The plaintiff hasn’t had much luck so far, probably because his argument is idiotic, and he has yet to find a judge crazy or stupid enough to see things his way. His latest attempt has taken him to Houston, where he has filed suit against government officials including the Harris County District Clerk, Texas Governor Greg Abbott, and Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton because he believes that they are all trampling on his rights under the 14th Amendment.

We assume me means that part in Section 1 which says that “No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.” But it’s a bit of a leap to take that fairly straightforward language and conclude, “And therefore, I can enter a legally binding relationship with the thing I use to watch cat videos.” And to be clear, he doesn’t actually want to marry his MacBook for romantic reasons, but he firmly believes that if he can get a judge to grant the license, it will somehow prove that gay marriage is equally silly.

Paxton’s office has filed its own paperwork, which says that “The right to marry one’s computer is not an interest, objectively, deeply rooted in the nation’s history and tradition such that it qualifies as a protected interest.” And we wonder how many times the people who prepared that brief had to stop to spin tops or roll specially weighted dice to convince themselves that they were not, in fact, trapped in a realistic nightmare like in director Christopher Nolan’s film Inception.

Sevier says he’s absolutely serious about this and hopes to prove that same-sex marriage proponents have “hijacked the Constitution.” We’re not sure how his success might further his cause, though. Wouldn’t that actually show that all marriage is kind of silly since the Supreme Court ruled in June that all marriages between two humans are equally valid?

It is possible to make one’s point too well, after all.